Last night I was up late at usual. But this time it was different. This night was different. I was not myself. My mind was full of the problems that I'm facing at this particular time in my life. I was thinking of how all of my failures have impacted and effected my family. I'm 31 years old and I have nothing to show for it. That was just one of my thoughts. Then I started say that I'm nothing but a failure and everything that I start doesn't get finished or I just literally fail at it. So, I was like I need to pray. Now my praying is different from others as I have to literally write out the majority of my prayers and talk to Him in my head and thays exactly what I did. I poured my hear to God and I asked Him to help me. To help get outta that dangerous headspace because thinking that if I wasn't here that my son would be better off without me was just too much.
Now what many don't know is that I have contemplated suicide as a teenager after I had my son. I felt like I was just not needed on earth. I even made a little trickle but I scared. I was scared of leaving my baby and I felt like God had purpose for me I just didn't know it yet. So, I I was thinking of the same thing again except I was saying that my son AND husband will be better off with me.
So, as I said I prayed and prayed hard and I was crying begging Him to answer me and let me know that He hears me because I feel like he has turned a deaf ear and blind eye to my situation. I asked God why because I know I've been doing things right?! Immediately afterwards I fell asleep.
The next morning when I awoke, my husband and son were still sleep so I had some time to myself. While I was brushing me teeth God started talking to me. He said, "So you want to know if I'm here and if I see your problems huh?" So me being me I said "yes I do". He then proceeded to school me. The Lord told me that he has been disappointed in me lately because I have went off path greatly. For me to question Him and think that He's not working everything out for my good was disappointing to Him. This isn't the first, second, or even third time that I've been through hardships and no matter how long it took I was always there. He told me that I was being disobedient. What he meant by that is that He has things that He wants me stop doing and things that He wants me to do. He's told me to stop smoking g buy I won't, and not because I can't just because I don't want to right now. He wants me to step into my destiny but I'm to afraid to submit my whole self to Him because I'm thinking of how others will view me. Sometimes we can put ourselves in situations and create our own storms and on the other hand God will put you through one to make you learn a lesson. I'm so strong willed and stubborn and I feel like nobody can get things done like me and I'm frustrated because no matter how hard I'm trying I'm not getting anything done. I then say we'll "God im tired its in your hands and I'm done " but then I pluck it right back out and start worring again. He wanted to show me that just like I relied upon Him in the past I need not worry and do the same now because I'm not a one woman army like I think and He's the only one with the final solution to this situation.
So to say all of that is to say this, Trust in God with your whole heart and if you K of he has a calling over your life up have to stop running from it. He's not going to let up off of you or leave you be. He just wants what's best of us and to live up to the greatness that He created us to be. Stop worrying about the problems and injustices and people of this world. This is Satan's world and he runs free everyday trying to gain soldiers and cause chaos. Obey God cause when you do it makes Him so happy and your life will be abundantly blessed. Not saying you'll never enter another hardship buy keep trusting in Him because He's always there!
